The Boris Chronicles

Part 13

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 11:52:32 GMT

First and foremost thank you very much Bruno for the Christmas Presents. Very suitable for a country gent and his missus. Mother says they will make suitable tree decorations for the dining room. We have varied and other ideas.

We send our love to Cousin Bosley and to Aunty Hayley and duly advise that Mother will get around to writing Christmas cards in the near future.

On a personal note the PGF PICKED ME UP!!!!!!!! BLAH, GROOGH, EUGH, EEK, SPIT........I washed and washed and washed and washed.
How dare he !!!!!
He smells of woof and is horrid.I scampered and kicked and bunny butted him. He said yesterday 'they dont like me'
TOO BLUMMIN RIGHT WE DONT!!!

Mother is expecting Kit Chris and Kit Alex down for Christmas. We dont remember Kit Chris at all, and barely remember Kit Alex. Kit Sophie is here al the time so we remember her. Anyways she feeds us...

Boris
Aloof

Part 12

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:07:55 GMT

Tomorrow is the PGF's birthday. I have been helping Mother to wrap up his presents.
I bit the scissors, sat on the wrapping paper, ripped a piece, and generally wouldnt move off the rest. There is my fur entwined in the sellotape on the parcels.
Big help I am.

The very very bad news is that Kit Hester (who looked after me whilst Mother was away), her father, the Gamekeeper, had a bad accident on a quad bike and died on Monday.
Kit Hester is only 12 and her brother only 13. It has been such a shock and we are all very sad. There is just nothing we can do......

Part 11

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:32:10 GMT

Mother was away AGAIN !!!! A kit by the name of Hester looked after us and we got LOTS of treats. We tipped up the litter tray, chewed the carpet, Dis-Grace jumped on the dresser, and threw the cushions off the sofa onto the floor. We generally ran wild.
Mother has now moved us back upstairs. We used to live here on the landing but got moved to the living room when the builders were here. It's better back here, we can make much more noise. There are no carpets - I like to hop around and around making a racket on the floorboards with my big back feet. Dis- Grace can chew said floorboards - noisily in the middle of the night. We can rattle the barrier protecting the books in the bookcase and we can be a real nuisance in the night scratching at the bedroom door.
There was a dinner party last night and we made our usual appearance. Dis- grace was her usual hit and spent time being fussed on someones knee. I decided to break my usual pattern of being grumpy and going straight back up the stairs - I did a huge flop in the middle of the floor with everyone around me.
I like being a hit.
The best thing of all - the PGF is expressing concern and saying that I dont like him because I nudge him out of the way and give bunny but. Well I dont like him thats true - but I am heartily glad that it bothers him !!!!! hehehehehe
Boris
Almost Sociable.

Part 10

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:06:55 GMT

Being a country gent is a responsibility. I needed to prove that I am indeed well read.
On a trip up the stairs for a lie down on the landing I devoured Organic Chemistry published 1938, Vanity Fair (undated - but it was a bit brown and dry) Technical Electricity originally costing 3s 6d and First Term at Malory Towers by Enid Blyton dated 1948.
Why has mother gone white? Oh and the PGF is due home anytime now.....
Boris
Learned Gent

Part 9

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:53:37 GMT

Mother has been away. She was an exhibit at the NEC. She has come back very tired and grumpy.
She was at a show full of Dentists. She didnt smile for a week!!

We were left with the PGF. This would have been fine but Mother spilt the beans and told him that I tip up the litter tray when she goes away.
He decided that he would foil my plans before I even thought of them. Humph.
He filled the litter tray with sand - then sawdust and barley straw. It wouldn't budge - humph - not impressed.
I will get my own back.

We are quite worried about Teddy, get well soon little bunny. But Teddy remember - Ruby isnt quite as bad as you might think. I HATED Dis-Grace when she arrived. Aunty Karen will tell you that there were plans to send her away again because I just would not accept her. I meant business.
Now we are the best of buddies. I was just a bit.....err...jealous.

Boris

He 'aint heavy he's my bruver

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:50:31 GMT

We went for Mitso shots today too. Boris will be 3 on January 8th and weighs 5.45k. I have just had my first birthday and are a trim 4.30k. The vet said I had whiskers like a walrus. Humph., I is not a walrus.
p.s. Boris did a wee on the carpet when we got back. Shhhh dont tell the PGF.
Grace

Ha ha ha ha ha

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:38:02 GMT

Dis-Grace has sprayed the radiator ! Twas not me - I am a gentleman bunny.
Ha ha ha ha ha

Part 8

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:28:22 GMT

Well.....it went like this.
Dis-grace has not forgotten her athletic prowess from her Scrumping days.
There is a playpen behind our litter box and it goes in front of some old brown sideboard thing. Apparently it belongs to some dudes by the name of William and Mary.
Never heard of them.
Mother was told that no-bun could jump the playpen but Dis-Grace does.
She goes over the top and hurls a silver dish belonging to another dude, by the name of George, into the litter tray. From there she jumps on top of a little card table belonging to sone dame by the name of Victoria.
On there there was some glass bowl affair also belonging to the George dude.
In it was Pot Pourri.
I like Pot Pourri.
Well I ask you - whats a bun supposed to do?
She hurled it onto the ground so we could both eat Pot Pourri.
It sort of went into lots of little bits, so it cant have been up to much.
The PGF is unhappy as these things apparently came from the big farm in Kent. Why is he so attached to this tatty old second hand stuff belonging to people we have never heard of, I ask you?
On her return to the floor Dis-Grace did a wee in the silver dish.
She says she was born to wee in silver.

Part 7

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:19:43 GMT

She has really done it now! This is the most Dis-Graceful act yet. Oh dear oh dear.
The PGF is furious - there is talk of us going outside into one of the sheds. Aaaaagh!
I simply cant bear it.

Part 6

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:30:16 GMT

Mother has been away AGAIN !!! This time to Peterborough. I think this was particularly mean as Dis-Grace had her first birthday on the 14th and we were all alone. I gave her a special groom to compensate. Bad show mother.
To make matters worse she is going away again at the weekend - this time to see how Kit Alex has settled into his halls in Taunton. Kit Sophie will be looking after us - she had better do a decent job or I will tell on her.
The PGF has outclassed himself for horror and shame.
Mother and Kit Sophie were giving us crunchies in the living room when he appeared.
Of course, no-one took any notice of him.
Suddenly mother noticed that he had Pip (gundog) in his arms. He sat on the sofa and waited.
Mother nearly had a heart attack (cool it wench)
Kit Sophie went pale and the PGF waited.
Pip watched us - her eyes never leaving us for a minute.
We got braver and went to investigate.
What happened?
NOTHING.
Pip is a rubbish gundog. She prefers to sit in the arms of the PGF (cant think why) she is not interested in rabbits. We quite frankly are very disinterested in her. If PGF thinks he can upset our equilibrium as easy as that he had better watch out!
Boris
Gundog Fighter.

The King

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:13:30 GMT

You Scored as The Digger

You must have some strong leg muscles. (photo: Jerry)

The Digger

75%

The Snuggle Bunny

63%

The Chewer

63%

The Toys-R-Us Kid

44%

The Athlete

44%

King of the House

Part 5

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 08:53:57 GMT

The PGF had friends around so mother was cooking for 8. He decided that we needed to be cleaned out of the living room as we 'apparently' make a mess.
What rubbish.
Mother broke the rules and took us up to the bedroom for the night - yipee lots of wallpaper to strip off the walls and furniture to chew.
As usual Mother took Dis-Grace down to meet the company and be ooh and ahh'd over.
I dont get taken down. The PGF says I am autistic in company.
Nothing wrong with art - cant understand him.

Evening over - and we just didnt happen to get taken back down.
The PGF didnt notice so mother left us there. But she knew what would happen.

I do like to get onto the bed in the night - why shouldnt I?
Dis-Grace does so love to chew the legs on the furniture and we both like to dig.
Dis-Grace gave a lovely drumming display on the bare floorboards about 3ish.

In the morning the PGF was grumpy.
Dis-Grace had wriggled under the wardrobe and was happily chewing the underneath of it. Mother tried to get her out.
Would you beleive it......she growled.....AT MOTHER!
Mother didnt twig that Did-Grace had growled and carried on.
Dis-Grace lunged at her!!!!!!
Ohhhhhhhh too far girl!!!!!
Seconds later she wriggled out and flopped down beside mother for a stroke.
She didnt get one.

Boris
Artisan

Part 4

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:27:09 GMT

Mother returned from Edinburgh. She says it is a fantastic city and she loved it. We did not empty the litter tray - decided against it. Instead Dis-Grace and I have been practicing our circus tricks. Dis-Grace couldn't wait and decided to give mother a sneak preview.
She jumped onto the sofa, up onto the arm and from there across onto the chair - across that and perched - one paw dangling in the air - nose outstretched - sussing out the leap of faith required to get on top of our box which was about a foot away from the chair arm. With a drum roll and a dimming of the lights...whoosh she was there. Ohhhh ahhhhh. The box wobbled and teetered but Dis-grace was not abashed. She went from side to side to build up the excitement and tension and then.....then.....exactly on cue.... the centre of the box caved in and made a perfect shoot to slide Dis- Grace down with enormous grace onto the floor. Taraar.

Mother is sorry she did not get to Live Hay'd.
She did plan to. Last year she was on her way and her car broke down...this year she was sent on a secret mission just two nights before.

My Mother is a spy !!!
She went around a garden centre. Into the pets department and bought us loads of yummy treats, had a meal in the restaurant, talked to the staff in the plant area and tried on clothes in the clothing shop. She was checking out the staff to see how they behaved and how helpful and smiley they were. Mother had a good day - for someone who hates shopping....and only found one grumpy member of staff.
She hopes you all had a fantastic time and says she might have better luck getting there next year. Three has always been her lucky number.

Boris
Ring Master Extrordinaire.

Part 3

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:13:09 GMT

Today is wet, wet, wet. The PGF (poor gentleman farmer) is having hassles with the refrigeration equipment at the cold store - so is grumpy.
Mother made a crumble for lunch and had an apple left over (shhhh dont tell) so she gave it to us. Dis-Grace has totally refused to eat it - it would appear that she only eats apples she can scrump.
Mother is away tomorrow and she is going to LEAVE US ALONE !!!!! She says she will be back on Thursday. Hummmph. We have the usual plan to empty the litter tray everywhere - good protest that one.
I have been advised by mother that my cousin Bruno will be visiting us. I am looking forward to showing him around - perhaps test his skills at fishing.....but have decided not to tell Dis-Grace anything about the visit. At the time I will make sure she is locked in the gun cupboard - she's a real tart.
Over and Out
Boris (Sir)

Part 2

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:13:58 GMT

Today has not been terribly exciting. The PGF (poor gentleman farmer) came into our room for a nap. Good time for Dis-grace to start eating a carrot with all the finess of a brontosaurus clumping through the undergrowth. Good time for me to have a good scratch and chew at our box. Good time for mother to put the washing machine on and a good time for Burt the Builder to start sawing wood upstairs with the characteristic sawing wooof woof noise.
Result? He slept.
Need better tactics.
Boris Esq.

Part 1

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:54:54 GMT

Aunty Karen has suggested that you may all be interested to learn that Dis-Grace and I are now residents of a county estate in Cornwall - at the discretion of a poor gentleman farmer. We currently reside in the living room as our previous abode - the landing - has been taken up with plasterboard and wood and other such chewables - due to the fact that mother has decided to reorganise the whole top floor of the house from the roof downwards.

We are assisting in everyway possible - mostly by removing the 1970's blown vinyl wallpaper from the walls and in removing the 30 year old foam back carpets from the staples that hold them to the floorboards. Dis- Grace has distinguished herself in chewing hunks off the exposed floorboards. This has not aided the renovation but, as I told her - it is a steep leaning curve.

The other inhabitants of the house are Mother, the aforesaid poor gentleman farmer, Kit Sophie and two rabid dogs called Snowy and Pip. One is a sheep dog and the other is - horror of horrors - a gundog (sorry to swear). They bother us none however, as they are banished to one side of the house and we to the other. Never the two to meet - and woe betide them if we do.

I intend - with your indulgence - to bring to you a diary of events in the life of a landowner bunny (I knew I had a posh name for something). Plus detail you something of endeavors that Mother will have to make in order to become one of the green welly brigade.

Yours Respectfully
Boris Bunny

The Boris Report

Sat, 30 May 2009 07:03:34 GMT

I had not realised how long it is since I updated my journal - I have been a very busy bunny. There is soooo much to police around here.
Mother is still working silly hours and recently went into hospital for an operation. She took 3 days off then went back to work. No-one could beleive she would be sooo stupid !

Dis-Grace has also had an operation - and she is a much better bunny. She drove me mad with her humping and I had to chase her away and nip her because I couldnt take any more. Mother said she was dribbling - not very ladylike Miss Grace.
She went away one day, came back the same day, had a little sleep in the litter tray and that was that.

We have both had Mixi - oh no thats wrong - I think I had VHD which is worse, but we are both better now.

Uncle David has started letting himself in the house when mother is at work. He is supposed to be lime rendering the old wall and paving the log store with blue lias so that the cat cant poo in it. But he doesnt. He sits and plays with Grace ! He says he wants to take her home ! He says he is going to eat me !
He was trying to chip out the rendering and Dis-Grace was all over him, she is such a tart. He had to keep moving her out of the way. She was waiting for the bits of weed that used to grown in the wall to fall. His knee was the best place to wait. She got covered in old dusty lime mortar.

Mother is fed up of Grace Scrump. She will keep jumping on the dresser. She still throws bananas and apples to me - but I am not keen. She has had yet another telephone, a mobile charger, the curtains in the bedroom, mothers dressing gown, the back of the living room chair, the staircarpet is now bald, a corner of mothers dressing table, the leg of the patio table, Uncle Davids mixing drill thingy, the last lamp, books from the bookcase, all the papers behind the log basket, the vent hose to the tumble dryer cos someone left the laundry door open, and a mouse. But I suspect that cat had a hand in that.

Kit Alex has now left school and is not bothering to study for his A level exams. He is too interested in his car and in going to America in two weeks time. Mother dispares.

Then mother will be all alone.... and can lavish me with more attention.....if she ever comes home from work before dark.
Sgnt. Boris

Sun, 03 May 2009 07:32:41 GMT

On Friday Kit Alex skived off school and Mother skived off work and took Dis-Grace and I to the vets.
I was good.
I sat on mothers knee in the car, sat on her lap in the vets, sweated and heavy breathed in the vets room, let the vet look at my teeth and claws without a bat of an eyelid and declare both to be in very good condition. Then I sat quietly in the footwell of the car as we went home.

Scrump was a disgrace. She jumped all over in the car. Mother was sweating buckets to keep her off Kit Alex's knee whilst he was driving. She tried to get on the dashboard and under the gearstick and under the break. When we got to the vets she was reasonably good but when we got into the vets room she was a swine ! She wriggled and squirmed and wouldnt let the vet look at her teeth. She was good when she had her VHD - no sense no feeling I say.
On the way home she tried jumping about again and then gave up and did the most enormous flop in the car footwell.

She has to go again next week for her Mixi update....Mother is going to hire a tank

Women......

Mothers Warning to 2 Foots

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 22:19:48 GMT

I dont expect this entry will stay here long. I opened a Live Journal for Grace and as she is under the age of 13 I was asked to 'parentally' verify that she was allowed a journal. In order to verify I was asked to put my credit card info into the system. I was assured that I would not be charged. I have received my statement - I have been charged £1.20 x 2. I complained and have been told that I have 'not really' been charged. Oh yes I have mateys. BE WARNED EVERYONE !!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother

Disgrace

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:53:17 GMT

I am ascance. There I am, quietly munching my breakfast, and there she is - Dis Grace - sitting atop the dresser hurtling telephones on top of my head.

Ground Force

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 08:44:26 GMT

I have a new mission.
I went to see mother in bed this morning and she commented that I smelt of wee. Me? Wee? Never!! I am a scented bunny.

When she came downstairs I had an Easter present for her. I had redecorated the kitchen, by spreading the contents of my rather large litter tray completely across the floor. It looked much better in there.

Silly Scrump was looking bemused from behind bars, mother uttered an expletive and tapped me on the nose saying I was bad. I am not bad I am creative. Scrump is complaining that she is locked up at night because she is bad and I am allowed free and I am equally as bad. Mother wont lock me up....I am special....and creative....and scented.

Scrump is sulking. Kit Alex has been at work in the bike store. He discovered that Scrump had dug underneath the pillar that supported the roof of the store. He has now completely cleared it out and put back the floor and boarded off the entrance. That worked fine.....but yesterday Scrump jumped over the barrier and lay down in the shade in there. Mother is trying to chase up the guy who is supposed to be paving it out - spoilsport.
Reformatting this house is a mission.
Boris
Scented Bunny.

Musings....

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 23:41:59 GMT

Mother was talked out of her notice. She was asked to stay 'please'. Mother has made a big mistake, mother knows she has made a big mistake, mother is weak. She is back to 15 hour days and poor pay. All the responsibility and none of the recognition. AND she is not at home with me. Humph.

Kit Chris is home from his seat of learning. He made mother dinner when she got in from work. Mother said how lovely it was to have dinner made, she is normally too tired and too late and eats cereal. Kit Chris then gave mother a lecture about eating properly. Mother sat and listened then said he sounded like her mother. She said that she should be telling a student about eating properly and not the student lecturing the mother. Kit Chris didnt draw breath. he said, 'I do eat properly and you do not'.
Mother is amused.
I eat properly. I eat all the time. I do not need seats of learning to do this. Kit Chris says I am fat and should get fit. Mother says Kit Chris is older than she is..... I am confused.

The Notice

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:05:46 GMT

Mother has handed in her notice. Then she went to the pub. Now she is sitting on her office computer reading bunny journals. I dont know what this notice is, but if it means that she spends more time with me then I think it is a good idea.

The Piddle

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:25:40 GMT

Kit Chris is recovering well. The problem is Scrump. She has made a big piddle by my cage. It is not nice. I go to take a drink from my Ezi Filla and there underneath it is a huge, HUGE I tell you, piddle. Bunnies called Grace should be gentle and ladylike not piddle in a puddle by my cage. She says it is not her and that it is a leaky bottle. Piffle I tell you. Complete piffle.
Indignant Boris.

All right now

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 22:02:59 GMT

Mother skipped work and abandoned me and flew off in an aeroplane to see kit Chris.
He had been ignoring his appendix and thought it was just too much beer. Things got to a head after he played in a football match and afterwards his mates took him to a drop in medical centre. They sent him to hospital. By the time mother got there he had been operated on and was/is fine. They caught it just in time and operated at four in the morning.
Mother is home now and giving me lots of attention. I am important. Thank you for your bunny vibes for kit Chris - they made everything OK so that she came home to me quickly.
Boris